hmm well i felt it was about time to actually update this thing. anyway i finished with the semester im home for the summer yay. anyoen taht wants to reach me feel free to call the house or the cell.

hmm other than that, i dont really know. been doing a lot of thinking lately, yea major shock right? thinking just about everything in general. so much has happened this year. its been kidna insane. the whole year in general and then roxanne dying and then just whoa. so im justa little like whoa. hmm though i do seem to be in a better mood right now. oh well. anyway.....

hmm life is short, sweet, and final. this is it, its all we get, and then its gone. deal with it, live with it, suck it up or suck it down weve all got no choice. hmm yea if you all cant tell ive been doing some massive reflections on my past choices. made several i dont like, but i live with em. mainly cuz i have no choice, and one way or another im a better person from them.

its like what my teachers tells us about writing. you write what you want, you get some one to read it, and to tell you how much of a peice of shit it is, and then you fix it. you learn from the mistakes you made on the first and then you make the next that much better. all we can do is learn and grow from all taht we do. either that or repeat everything. either way its fun i suppose. eitehr that or bask in self pity and denial.

i know im not much of a person to be talking such. im a very very depressive and pesimestic person most of the time. but damnit, this life is it right? its this and then we all go back into the life cycle, filtered into some worms digestive track. i know i dont like myself at all, in fact most of the time i cant stand myself. and i know ive done some very serious things to myself before. but damnit this is still my life, my choices, and my decisions on how everything is giong to be and how it is going to go. so fuck it all. live life stoned or drunk or having sex all the time. the best thing that can be done is to enjoy yourself before it all ends anyway.

Im Fucking it Up Again

Im fucking it up again my friend,

Im fucking it up again.

You and me were meant to be, but im fucking it up again.

These tears in yours eyes, they tear at my soul.

They leave it torn and dry.

Why have I done these things to hurt you,

Why do I sit here and cry?

I should be out there helping you now,

Instead I sit and cry.

Im fucking it up again my friend,

Im fucking it up again.

You and me were meant to be, but im fucking it up again.

This pain it brings me so much joy,

This pain it frees our souls.

Though we cant see tomorrow, this pain will fade away.

Everyone strives towards something better,

Neglecting what they have.

We have those things that make us happy

and yet we strive for more.

Im fucking it up again my friend,

Im fucking it up again.

You and me were meant to be, but im fucking it up again.

This longing that I feel for you, I know I cannot break.

The sun will rise and the moon set and still this pain remains.

The blood it flows like crimson wine, down the crystal stair.

The pain its there in the back of the mind, forgotten but not escaped.

Im fucking it up again my friend,

Im fucking it up again.

You and me were meant to be, but im fucking it up again.

We each want to gain, that which we cant.

To unlock that chest inside.

To let loose those dark thoughts that drive us deep at night.

The things society says are wrong, but our hearts know are right.

We strive towards those things that leave us empty

And dying on our sides.

Im fucking it up again my friend,

Im fucking it up again.

You and me were meant to be, but im fucking it up again.

This life we lead is full of lies, and yet we don’t believe.

There is no ending and no beging, and yet we strive and strive.

This pain will fade, and the memories gone, and life will balance out.

Im fucking it up, again my friend,

Im fucking it up again.

You and me were meant to be, but im fucking it up again.

This life we lead is full of lies, but that’s exactly what we need.

Time ends where it begins.

Life cut short before it should go.

In the end we all leave all that we have.

Tears are shed for those that are gone,

hearts and thoughts go out.

Does this mean anything?

The death is still there, still real,

they are not back, not real again.

In the end we leave behind nothing so much as a memory of who we were.

Yet these memories outlasts our bodies,

giving thoughts and cares to those left behind.

Bringing tears to the eyes long after we are ground to dust.

Remembrance of the fun times, the times good and bad.

Life is short, this is the simple truth of it.

Our legacy is left behind in the tears of those that remember us,

for no one truely dies while there are those that still remember them and cherish them.

Even when all those that remember us are dust, the Mother earth shall remember us,

for we are part of her and she us.

So none of us truely die, the memories of us live on forever.

In loving memory of a departed student.

the day is done

the dream is gone

what do the living do, when they have nothing worth staying for?

we all strive towards that light

towards that golden dawn

but what happens when the dawn has been exstinguished?

when looking back and all that is seen is blackness and pain

what good has then been wrought from this?

when those that we knew have long forgotten us and moved on,

the deeds done long ago removed and changed.

is the unseen light worth moving on to,

worth the fight and the dirt?

most would say yes, but then again most do not think,

they tread through the muck and the gunk, never truely seeing life.

is it only through pain that we truely see what we have?

this life is full of pain and hardship, one right after the other.

its the only certainty that any of us have,

we arent even allowed to choose how things end.

and yet despite everything the struggle goes on,

life never ends, yet it never truely begins either.

instead it seems caught in this primodial struggle,

moving from one life to the next.

never ending but never begining.

yet this is all we get, and if anyone can be lucky enough,

to find that light that makes the world shine,

that chance person, 1 out of infinite,

then that struggle has all been worth it,

and the light will continue to shine.

It's a beautiful night for feeling lonely
A beautiful night for being afraid
So raise your hands, you one and only's
You one-of-a-kinds who feel this way

I don't want to talk, don't want to explain it
I don't want to fuck and I don't want to fight
It's only a feeling, it's fleet and fading
It's all over the world, and it's only tonight

Cause it's a beautiful night, beautiful night, yeah
Beautiful night, beautiful night to be here

It's a perfect time for being wasted
A perfect time to watch the stars
So throw back your head
Come on, embrace it
It's a beautiful night, wherever you are

It's a beautiful night
Beautiful night, yeah
Beautiful night
Beautiful night to be here

All good things will come to you
Maybe tonight, maybe tonight it's the truth
I don't know

All good things to those who dream
Maybe tonight, maybe tonight we'll find peace
God I hope so

So raise your hands, raise your hands...

All good friends, they stood by you
And one at a time, one at a time they fell down
They fall down

All your fears are coming true and
This is the time, this is the time of your life
That defines you

So raise your hands, raise your hands...

Under the stars I'm alone among strangers
Confused, connected, diffused and alive
Maybe the future will smile on us
Maybe the future is here tonight

yep thats about how i feel